Wells Fargo, you must be hurtin’ right now. Your CEO, a Mr. John G. Stumpf, was raked over the coals (and most effectively, by the way) in front of Congress and the nation. He was called a “gutless leader” and your whole business model a “scam” by Elizabeth Warren, just because he broke the law, stole from his customers, and then fired a bunch of low-level working grunts while skimming off millions annually for himself.
It’s going to be hard to recover your reputation. But not impossible! My PR firm can help!
We’ve got some great ideas for your next ad campaign that should get Joe Plumber and Soccer Mom back to having fun playing fantasy football and shopping for makeup instead of scrutinizing their bank statements. In three months, the whole thing will blow over and you can quietly return to your core values of growing your profits by any means necessary.
(Ashley, can you clean this up and send it to John? Have it hand-delivered to his yacht with tickets to game 4 of the World Series stapled to the envelope)
Ad Title: “We Know Your Business”
Music: Something from Motown that we don’t have to pay for
Pan to a high-end- but-cute restaurant with a fake French name like “Le Cuisine Yummy”. Inside the kitchen, the head chef (female? Asian maybe?) turns on the gas
stove, and the oil in her frying pan immediately catches fire. This is the international sign for flambé – and your viewers know that means fine dining.
Music changes to: country Western, but not whiney.
Drone shot of rugged not-obviously-gay cowboy in a cowboy hat with a 2 day beard driving not-too-new rugged pickup (color: not red or blue or black. Brown? Ashley, can you check which color is the most rugged but not goth or urban or too political?).
Cowboy is driving over an unpaved dry riverbed with Monument Arch in the background. As the truck climbs the opposite bank, a bunch (pack?) of wild horses rushes past the truck on either side.
Horses peel away as the cowboy pulls into an old-style gas station. Gramps is at the pump, and MiMaw is sitting in apron and bonnet beside a table laden with ears of corn and homemade pies. Hand lettered sign says “Ears of Corn and Homemade pies. $5” (Ashley, look up average pie price in the Midwest and bump it down by 25 cents.)
Voiceover: “We’re Wells Fargo. We know your business. We have to make money too, you know!” (Ashley, check if Morgan Freeman would be open to this.)
Ad Title: “A Rising Tide”
Music: Something that sounds like an 80’s torch song but is not an 80’s torch song.
Opening with montage of renovated Baltimore storefronts with non-threatening teenagers definitely NOT wearing hoodies on the porch, small town main street with
picket fences and lawns and a high school marching band (Ashley if we do this on location you’ll have to make sure there aren’t any “for sale by bank” signs anywhere), a fishing boat in Maine pulling into a welcoming harbor at twilight.
Next, we see a pair of tow-headed red-haired Irish twins and their sister standing next to a multi-ethnic friend (Ashley: when you go to casting, please take a Starbucks Grande decaf latte topped up with soy milk as a guide to skin tone). The three kids are grinning in front of a lemonade stand (Ashley, check if Beyoncé owns the lemonade concept now, and switch to limeade as needed). No price on the sign. Just “Lemonade” (or “Limeade”) but spelled funny. Maybe the e’s are
backwards. Lemonade (or limeade) needs to be in a glass pitcher next to a bowl of lemons (or limes), and slices of lemons (or limes) must be floating in the pitcher.
Voice over: “We’re Wells Fargo. We know that a rising tide lifts all boat. Turnabout is fair play. You can’t make an omelet without breaking eggs, so let’s get all hands on deck and blaze a new trail! What we’re trying to say, is that when we make money, so do you! And visa versa!” (Ashley, not sure who we need here. Someone optimistic and folksy. Male, obviously. NOT Garrison Keillor! Tell him I’m busy and can’t talk to him, so he should quit calling.)
Ad Title: “Oops!”
Music: Baby Elephant Walk
Long shot of adorable 3-year-old as he scales the kitchen table, then reaches for the
cookie jar. Mom comes in just as Junior is standing (in dirty sneakers!) on the table with a cookie in each hand and 2 in his mouth. Mom give him a quirky scowl/smile and puts hands on hips (Ashley, make sure NO recent Botox for actress playing Mom or scowl/smile won’t be quirky enough).
Junior: “Oops! I sorry!”
Mom gives him a hug. “That’s OK sweetie. How about a game of catch?” Junior’s whole face lights up.
Music changes to: “Oops I did it again”
Upscale penthouse living room. The lights are low. In the shadows is a handsome hunk (we can see the lantern jaw in silhouette). Beside him on the sofa is a drop-dead gorgeous model (spot-lit so we can see how sexy she is).
Their heads are together and we can hear whispers and giggles. Suddenly, the door flies open and the lights come up. The wife, good-looking but not as sexy as the model, freezes in shock. Husband and model pause for a beat as they realize what has happened.
Husband: “Honey! What are you doing here? I thought you were coming home late!”
Camera pans to the coffee table in front of Husband and Model. We can see that they’ve been creating a huge banner that reads “Surprise! Happy birthday to the best wife in the world!” Above the word “wife”, and in pink ink with loopy handwriting are the words “and the best sister-in-law in the world!”
Slowly, more people come out from behind furniture, other doorways, and curtains. They are all in the act of blowing up balloons, decorating cupcakes, and putting on party hats.
Model bursts into tears. “Your husband who is also my brother really wanted to surprise you! Now I’m sad!”
Wife hugs Model. “Oops! Sorry sis, but we can still have a great party, right?” Tension is broken and everyone laughs.
(Ashley, can you test this with an audience to make sure they get that the husband is planning a party with his sister, and isn’t having an affair even though it looks that way? I’m worried this script might be too subtle.)
Voiceover: “Who doesn’t make mistakes? It’s how fast we can all move on together that counts!”
(Ashley, we’ll need to be careful on casting the voice over. It’s got to be a woman, which will help drive home the point that it’s HER fault for coming home early and catching them. Someone non-controversial, so no one who’s just out of rehab or publicly expresses opinions other than the importance of being kind to animals. Maybe Kaley Cuoco?)