The Next Mrs. Trump

It’s no secret that possible Future President and Leader of the Free World Donald Trump has been married more than once. It’s no secret that he prefers polished, statuesque, deferential, Eastern European brides. Frankly, I think that will be his undoing (that, and if he ever says the words “I’m bigger than Jesus” – I think that would finish him, too).

Seriously! I might run!

Trump knows this, which is why he’s been keeping the current Mrs. Trump well away from the cameras. She’s not exactly…well…you see…she’s not … ahem….American. She’s not even Canadian. Wikipedia says she was born in Sevnica, Slovenia. She’s an immigrant that, apparently, no wall could keep out.

At any rate, they’ve been married for a little over a decade, which means the marriage is probably reaching its expiration date. It might be a bit awkward for Donald to get re-married during a presidential bid, but I doubt that would even slow him down. So here it is.  The next Trump Wedding, coming soon to cable TV.

(All stand, as the bride enters to “Ride of the Valkyrie”. A beaming Trump gives her a double-thumbs-up, and signals the minister to start.)

Minister: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today…

Trump: Only the winners. The winners are gathered here today. No losers, horrible human beings, Cripples, Spastics, Illegals, Mexicans, Muslims, Canadians, or breast-feeding women.

Minister:…to witness the union of this man, Donald J. Trump, and this woman, Lyudmila Ekaterina Nadezhda Arkachenkovna …

Trump: A union? What union? What’s that? How stupid are you people? The unions are destroying America! America is dead! Because of the unions!

(minister whispers something into Donald’s ear)

Trump: Oh, you mean like a merger? OK. Good. Good. Continue.

Minster: …in holy matrimony, which is an honorable estate, that is not to be entered into…

Trump: I know estates. All kinds. You want to come over? Sure! No problem! I’ll send the plane for you. Better yet, the helicopter can drop you right on the lawn. The security guys, at the front? They’ll take care of it, I guarantee you that.

Minister: …entered into lightly, but reverently and soberly.

I do, already!

Trump: A lot of people are asking. Not just me. A lot of people. They ask me. Is Cruz completely sober? Is he a drinker? A boozer? An alcoholic? I hope not, for his sake. But a lot of people are saying “Jeez, this guy’s Canadian. You know them. They’re all drunk up there!” Not me, I’m not saying he is…but a lot of people are.

Minister: Do you, Donald J. Trump of Trump International But Mostly American …(minister stops, looking puzzled)

Trump: Just read the card. Read the card.

Minister: Do you, Donald J. Trump, “of Trump International But Mostly American Incorporated and author of the best-selling international bestseller The Art of the Deal and future 8-year 2-term president of the United States of America the Whole Enchilada, baby, except not something Mexican – can’t we find an American dish to say The Whole…Apple pie? Hamburger? I dunno, that sounds German to me. To make America Great Again” (draws breath) take this woman…

Trump: Yeah. I do.

Minister: To have and to hold from this day forward…

Trump: I said yes. She signed the pre-nup fer crissakes!

Minister: …for better or for worse…

Trump: You want better? These people in charge now! Jeez! Worse is not even close! I guarantee it’ll be better, you can be sure of that.

Minister: for richer or for poorer…

Trump: What is this guy talking about? I’m worth 8 billion! (Lyudmila giggles).

Minister: …in sickness and in health…

Trump: Didn’t you hear me say yes? I said yes already! Yes! What are we doing here?

Minister: to love, honor, and cherish, ‘til death do you …

Trump: What is this, a funeral? We’re done here. We’re done. I said yes, she says yes (Lyudmila nods animatedly), the guests didn’t come over here to be bored by some long-winded liberal jerk that keeps repeating the same thing over and over! I bought the Rolling Stones for the night, they’ll be on later. I wanted Bowie too but they told me he died. I got the best French champagne in the whole country because I bought the vineyard. I got caviar from a rare endangered species, I got a cake 8 feet tall, the works! Cash bars are for losers!

(guests stampede the buffet)


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