Snow White, meet your match

Eldest Daughter and her friends had a contest to see whose mother is the whitest.

She won, hands down.

It’s not because when I’m ice-skating I’m almost transparent, or because I use sunblock named “SPF Total Eclipse”. It’s not because I’m a member of a quilting bee. It’s not because even because I say things like “yummykins!” and “jeez Louise!”, or because I spoil the dog so much she has her own babysitter.

We like hats.

No. It’s more complicated than that.

I’m so white…

  • I’m so white, I’m not EVEN Irish.
  • I’m so white, I know who the DAR are.
  • I’m so white, I could join them.
  • I’m so white, I thought I was part Cherokee.
  • I’m so white, I knew every Carpenter song in middle school but had never heard of Chuck Berry.

    Not Chuck, right?
  • I’m so white, my Grandmother was a Presbyterian Sunday school teacher.
  • I’m so white, I watched “Pride and Prejudice” 7 times.
  • I’m so white, I didn’t even know I WAS white until moved to New York. Until then, I thought I was “normal”

Those are my credentials.  Now I give you….

The Snow White Guide to Why White People are Annoying

White people are touchy bastards. We white people get so annoyed when you question us! Black lives matter? Of course! Don’t all lives matter? What’s your point? If you try to make us look at some parts of American history best left unread (slavery, manifest destiny, Mexico), we get all frowny.

White guy try to hang out with the Brothers. Well, this is an embarrassing spectacle, and I’ve seen it enough times to know. Let’s say there’s a conference, a party, or a work drink-n-chat event. It’s 95 percent white (or “normal” as I like to think of it), and 5%

Hey, bro!

“other”. “Other” clumps together in a corner, drinking and laughing and making plans to go out later. But, out of the mists and fogs appears the Lone Cool White Guy. He makes for the small group, because he works with them, after all! And he Connects. He jokes. He laughs loud and long. He uses “bro” in a sentence. He clicks beer bottles. Later, when they sneak out without him, he gets all offended (see “Touchy Bastards”, above.)

The White-Girl Growl. To be fair, we white girls are pressured to make voice choices early in life. At one point, low and breathy was the way to go. You couldn’t swing a cat without hitting a White Girl sounding just like Tina Louise  sounding just like Marilyn Monroe. Later, we shifted to Chipper. Chipper was perky, cute, and delivered a voice pitched right behind the eyes. Think Meg Ryan or the Gilmore Girls. At one point, I was chipper too, before I morphed into strident and then downhill into mumbler.

Now, we have The Growl. The White Girl Growl is a throaty delivery with minimal enunciation that tails off into the lower frequencies. “It’s the sort of gritty, sexy voice that 85-year-old habitual smokers develop” says Roberta Anderson in the International Business Times. It’s not as annoying as Chipper, but once you hear it, you can’t stop hearing it.

We prefer English as a First Language. And as an only language. We white people hate hearing anything except English. Well, I shouldn’t say “hate”. Most of us don’t hate it – we’re just….surprised. Surprise! What is that I hear? Is it Spanish? In Las Vegas? How unexpected! When you ask me something snide, such as “Why do you think you’re in a city named Las Vegas in the state of Nevada, instead of in a city named The Meadows in the state of Snowy?” I get confused.

Got 12 hours to spare? Let’s watch it again!

White people are whiners. We like to show our humble side and get all self-effacing about our good deeds, but there’s a catch.  Here’s the scenario. White people have an idea that will help everyone, but why aren’t others getting involved? How can we avoid sounding like a bunch of white people? Where is everyone else? Why don’t they appreciate what we’re doing for them? How can we get them to understand? Maybe if we modify our language and use words like “we” and “together” instead of “you people” that will help?

Not my grandma, but coulda been.

White people think we did it all by ourselves. We white people like to be self sufficient and we like to think it’s all us. For example: I grew up with three things going for me. One: my parents and grandparents were white during an era when that gave exclusive access to housing, jobs, educational opportunities, and public financial aid in the form of loans and GI bills. That put me at least a generation ahead of everyone else. Two: I’m extremely intelligent; and three, I work hard. I like to take credit for all three, even though its only the last one that I actually had any control over. But don’t suggest to me that the other two were just luck, and that’s what’s helped propel me to the dizzying heights of prosperity that I’ve reached, because I’ll get all pissed off and defensive about it.

Looks like a bargain!

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