Some of you are starting to panic about Donald Trump. Don’t. No need. Even if Donald Trump gets the Republican nomination, he will never become president. Here’s why:
Question: Why will Donald Trump never become the President of the United States?
Answer: Because he’s an idiot.
Most of you should just stop reading right now, because that’s all you need to know. For those of you who are still a little jittery, let me continue in the spirit of Donald Trump by stating my own opinions as though they are indisputable facts. (which they are).
Fact One: Shouting doesn’t mean there are more of you. According to Nate Silver, Trump supporters only add up to between six and eight percent of the total eligible voters in the U.S. This is good news! I was extremely delighted to hear that stat, because I’ve been assuming that fully 10% of my fellow Americans were nuts. 6 percent? That’s great! You’re not going to get below 6% of crazy in any country on earth.
Fact Two: The New York Times said you should be worried. I’ve already spilled some bits on the Grey Lady before – if the New York Times is worried about almost anything (bar climate change), you can relax.
Fact Three: We live in a republic. Yeah, most Americans think we live in
a democracy, and they are not entirely wrong (especially if they have experienced the joy of direct ballot initiatives in California). But the engine that drives the nation’s current dysfunction is also what made us great: elected representatives. No taxation without it, remember? What does this have to do with the orange warthog? Relax! I’ll tell you. We have had a stable form of government for many generations. Trump is pining to be President for Life with all executive powers vested in whatever he keeps beneath the waving comb-over, not spread amongst the various branches of elected government. President of the US will not give him the total power he craves.
Fact Four: Look at the numbers, people!
If the general election were held tomorrow, Trump would get his butt kicked by all the other candidates: Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, George Pataki, and Ima D. Ed. Snake would be president before You-Know-Who.
Fact Five: Springtime for Hitler. There’s a half-serious meme going around that Trump is actually trying his darnedest to get fired. He doesn’t want the nomination, he just loves the attention. Unfortunately, as in the plot of The Producers, all his efforts to be eliminated are only increasing his popularity.
Fact Six: Ghost Dance. This one is going to get serious, so buckle up. The Ghost Dance was a religious movement that swept through the Native Americans (mostly the Paiutes, Sioux, and other plains nations) in the 1890s. It arose at a moment in our history when it was clear that the European immigrants were unstoppable, the iron horse was uniting both coasts, the reservation system was being put in place, the children were having their home languages taken from them, and the Native American way of life that had persisted for millennia was lost forever.
A spiritual leader arose who promised otherwise. His promise was that if the Ghost Dance was done properly by all the people, the Creator would resurrect the dead friends and family who had been slaughtered by the U.S. army, all evil would be swept away (like the invading Europeans, hint, hint), and the world would be renewed with peace and health. The original way of life would be restored again, and forever.
The Ghost Dance ended in tragedy, and the world today is very different than the world of 1890. What does this have to do with Trump? It’s really more about his followers. Most of them remember a mythical world in which gay folks didn’t exist (because they were in the closet), “law and order” meant that everyone knew their place, White Men took up their burden, and Mom was home baking pies and pot roast, and certainly not on national television asking impertinent questions.
Lately, things have started to look really different from that world.
Trump is their Ghost Dance.