Fast and Spurious

sounds so good in theory, doesn’t it?

After my rant last week about cars, it’s only fitting that my old pal, zipcar, should bite me in the ass. Here’s how I think it went down.

Scene 1 – Zipcar offices

Zipcar Rep:  Hey, lookee here! That car-o-phobe Jane reserved “Dylan”, our seats-seven minivan that lives in her local garage, for a full day next week! Whaddaya know.

Zipcar Supervisor:  Must be a big quilt show somewhere in Jersey. Hold on…wait a minute. That garage? Isn’t that the one run by those mafiosos over at GMC Parking?

Rep: Yep. They got pissed off when the co-op board gave “their” contract to a real parking company. I hear they sent a bunch of goons over to “take care of it” and refused to vacate, just like it was 1982 all over again.

your local parking garage professionals

Supervisor: Sheesh. Pull everything outta there before they smash all our windshields! Send Jane to that other garage with those other mafiosos, down on Broadway. She’ll have to heave her lard-ass out of bed half an hour earlier, and then walk for half a mile instead of one block, but that won’t kill her.

Rep: Yessir! Rightaway boss!

Scene 2: My Home. The Husband is watching “All In” on MSNBC with his feet on the coffee table. The dog is eating peanut butter right out of the jar. Two teenage daughters and self are glued by their eyeballs to their phones.

Me: What the hell? Zipcar just sent me a text saying my all-day minivan is now at Bachata Parkeo instead of GMC Parking! That’s all the way down there on Broadway! I’ll have to heave my lard-ass out of bed half an hour earlier than I wanted to! And then walk half a mile instead of one block!

The Husband: That won’t kill you.

Scene 3: midnight, Supervisor’s bedroom. Phone rings

Rep’s voice: Holy smokes, boss! Wake up! “Dylan” just got into an accident! He’s been totaled!

news flash, boss!

Supervisor: Oh my god!   Not Dylan! He just started working here yesterday! He was so young, so much promise…

Rep: Not that Dylan. “Dylan”, the minivan.

Supervisor: Call those bastards over in Marketing and tell them to stop giving human names to the goddam cars! Send Jane to another garage! And don’t wake me up again!

Rep: Yessir! Rightaway boss!

hottest show this year!

Scene 4: morning. It’s a fine day for a trip to the Jersey Quilt Show! Simply everyone’s going, darling! The buzz is intense. Jane’s 5 pals have congregated at Starbucks, waiting for Jane to arrive with the seats-seven minivan

Me: Well, it’s half an hour earlier than I expected, but here I am leaving my apartment to get “Dylan” in Bachata Parkeo. I can’t wait to see those quilts! Simply all my friends are going. Better check to see if there are any messages while I’m walking South and East to Broadway….la la la…what’s my password?…here we go….Diane got my double-tall-latte….excellent….Doreen got me a protein snackbox…yay….Maureen-One got me a chocolate tartlet from Financier….yum!….Sarah and Maureen-Two are on their way….wait a minute! What the hell? Zipcar moved me AGAIN? Now I’ve got an SUV named “Hounddog” in Inwood? That’s North and West of here, and I’m walking South and East! Those bastards! How am I going to get to Inwood? I DON’T HAVE A F*CKING CAR!!!!

Uber App: Your driver will be here in 3 minutes. Please agree to our surge pricing.

Me: Uber, I both love and hate you at the same time. Zipcar, you’ll pay for this.

Scene 5: Inwood. Two mafiosos are lounging near a sign that reads “The Northwest Parking Garage”. An Uber car, after having gotten stuck for 20 minutes behind a garbage truck blocking the street, finally screeches to a halt in front of them.

Shorty’s around here somewhere…

Me (emerging from Uber): Where’s “Hounddog”?

First Mafioso: He’s not back yet, but he said you could leave the “stuff” with “Shorty” in the “dumpster”.

Me: Not back yet? Dumpster? Zipcar texted me to say a Toyota named Hounddog would be in this garage and ready to go!

Second Mafioso: Oh!!! Zipcar!!! Ha ha, our mistake!   You can forget all about what we said before. You know, about “Shorty” and the dumpster.

Me: Already forgotten.

First Mafioso: Here’s your car. Ready to go. Seats five.

Me (on phone to Zipcar Supervisor): “Hounddog” won’t cut the mustard, see? Seats five, see? What are you gavones going to do for me, see? Ok…..ok……minivan named “Buttercup”…seats six…sounds good…in Manhattan….in the EAST THIRTIES? It might as well be in the dumpster with Shorty! Damn right you’ll pay for my cab! AND the Uber I took Northwest to see “Hounddog” AND the cab for my friends AND the cab home after I return “Buttercup” AND some driving credits AND one of those ergonomic rotary cutters that go through 32 layers of fabric…oh, you don’t do that, eh? Well, you’d better start or I’ll write a sarcastic blog about you.

Supervisor: I’m shaking in my boots. Thank you for being a valued Zipcar customer.

(roll credits)



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