Happy new year! Each year, I like to dust off the crystal ball and make some predictions for the coming year. I’ve been doing this for a long time, and my rate is close to 100%. So buckle up, get out the overproof booze, or vape yourself into a stupor, because here comes 2017.
Top predictions for 2017
The supreme court will continue with eight justices for the rest of the year. Deadlock cases will be decided with the aptly-named “magic eight ball”, which will provide answers such as “for”, “against”, “does it involve women’s bodies?”, “just read the Constitution”, and “reply hazy, Clarence Thomas is having a séance with Scalia. Ask again later.”
Abraham Lincoln will stop spinning in his grave long enough to revise his most famous quote. The new version is “You can fool some of the people all of the time, and after enough generations they apparently fall into the majority of the electoral college”
Trump University will be revitalized, with 3 new campuses, and will offer classes such as “Demonology: a new approach to economic theory” and “The Art of the Schpiel”. Both are electives towards an MBT (Master of Business Tweeting).
The congressional debate surrounding the “non-terrifying language in government bills” bill, which bans the use of words such as “flooding”, “sea level rise”, “mega droughts”, “massive famines”, and “octopus that is living in downtown Miami” from appearing in any official documents will be postponed due to Hurricane Velma, which will carve a canal from the Outer Banks to the Jefferson Memorial, allowing D.C.’s popular “tidal basin paddle boats” to start running kayak tours all the way to Nags Head.
A new prize in journalism, the “Phew-litzer” will be endowed. The Phewlitzer will be awarded to the most amazing fake news stories of the year. These stories must be the most inflammatory, backed by the least amount of evidence, and must possess the ability to spur the unstable to violent action and the rest of us to exhale sharply and involuntarily when we hear about the results.
Martin Luther King Jr will stop spinning in HIS grave long enough to revise one of his quotes. The new version is “The arc of the moral universe is long, and sometimes it goes backwards for a few years.”
On a personal note, this is the year I will perfect the “gimlet eye”, a quelling glance that involves slightly arched eyebrows (no, not because they are threaded), a perfectly flat mouth, and such an intensely skeptical stare that it stops tourists and sales reps alike in their tracks. This will give rise to a new internet meme, the “ABF” (active bitch face).
Fox Networks will begin work on a new series, “There’s a Commie Under My Bed!” It will be a sentimental romp with an emphasis on rose-colored nostalgia about a Normal American Family (normal means white, and everyone is gender-normative in a big way) living in 1950s small town USA. They find out that Boris, a lovable bear of a communist, has created a “dead letter box” underneath the bunk beds in Wally and Biff’s room. Twist: Boris is really a double agent sent from the future to help President Reagan! Creative directors Rex Tillerson and Sergei Ivanov describe it as “A wonderfully fun series showing just how easy and profitable it is to get along with our Russians friends”.
Someone famous will die.