Why I Hate Coconut

Some of you like the stuff. You know who you are. You say things like “but it’s so innocuous!” and “What about fresh coconut milk?  I’m sure you like that!” and “Really? Everyone I know likes it!” and “I bet you can’t go to a Thai restaurant, snort, chuckle!”

What coconut WANTS you to think of.

Well, coconut has got you fooled. As with cars, you’ve been duped into putting the dreaded coconut into the “boon” category when it belongs with “scourge”. Let me tell you the truth about coconut.

The flavor is vile

In fact, it is indescribably vile.   People who hate cilantro (not me – I love the stuff) say that cilantro tastes like soap to them.  I can understand that, while also experiencing a taste that is not soaplike for me.  Coconut doesn’t taste like anything else – it’s in a category of one. It’s a benchmark: it’s the worst flavor that is legal to sell over the counter.

Go on, eat up. They’re delicious! Not a drop of coconut in ’em.

An example may help. If you grew up in China, you may never have tasted fine cheese. If you grew up in the US you may never have tasted fine hundred-year egg. If you grew up anywhere besides Iceland, you may never have experienced soured ram testicles. In each case, people who taste these for the first time as adults usually gag, and say it has gone rotten. Because it has. Fermentation is just controlled rot, and everyone does it. It doesn’t translate well across cultural lines, but there you have it.

It’s a shame someone hurled over a perfectly good chocolate cake.

Coconut is not like that. It’s not rotten. It’s not too sweet (at least in the natural state), and it’s not overly aggressive like black licorice (a flavor people love or hate). It’s just horrid, with the kind of creeping aftertaste that lingers, and is only vanquished by a shot of rum. The closest description I can get is to ask you to imagine macadamia nuts that have been marinated in the subtlest perfume Walmart has to offer, then topped off with a dash of syrup of ipecac.

The texture is an added minus

Fresh coconut is as woody as the heart of the giant bamboo. Combined with the vile flavor (see above), this puts fresh coconut firmly in the do-not-eat category. Even more inedible is

Fibrous packing material or dried coconut? Packing material for me, please.

shredded and dried coconut. It’s like a mouthful of that packing material called “excelsior” that is used in gift baskets, if someone had marinated it in Walmart perfume and then topped off with…you get the picture.  Frankly, give me sour ram testicles any day.

Coconut is insidious

It lurks invisibly in otherwise tasty dishes, such as granola, vegan smoothies, and carrot cake. At first glance, you see nothing amiss. You don’t have a nut aversion, after all! On first bite, you taste the deliciousness of the cinnamon and almonds…and then, whammo! You get punched in the face by a chunk of the odious substance.  This is especially painful during breakfast.

Thai food with no coconut.

Contrary to popular belief, Thai restaurants almost always let you know when coconut is on the menu, and most of them have perfectly delicious dishes with nary a drop of the foul fiend. Other restaurants are not so straightforward. Apparently, their chefs consider

I’ll stick to snake oil, thanks.

coconut to be so common an additive, they don’t even list it on the label. They just put “granola”, as if that were an adequate description. Then they seem all surprised when their customers run retching to the facilities. I’m looking at you, Gregory’s.

Coconut is a liar

First off, coconut wants you to believe it’s a healthy super food. The truth is that coconut is filled with saturated fat and it is not filled with protein.  Solidified coconut oil might be marketed as a healthy alternative, but it’s really just lard that grows on a tree.

Tastes better than coconut. Better for you, too.

Second off, coconuts aren’t nuts. In fact, the coconut is a drupe, and not just any drupe. It’s a fibrous, one-seeded drupe. Doesn’t sound quite so appetizing now, does it?

Coconut is a cold-blooded killer

Here’s a gallery of some of coconut’s victims.

Coconuts suppress scientific discovery

If Sir Isaac Newton  had been living in Tahiti, we’d never have had the theory of gravity.

Think about it.

 

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