Two Americas? Try twelve.

We are two nations.  One America is rural, religious, traditional, and wary of education.  That’s the one that has all the land, and benefits from low senator-to-population ratios.  The other America is fast-paced, urban, multicultural, diverse, well-educated, and isolated into islands surrounded by Trumpland.

Frankly, I don’t see any hope of reconciliation.  We’ve been taking turns electing presidents for the past 3 decades, but this arrangement just isn’t working any longer.  Everyone in the former US will need to decide where they belong, and they’ll need to take a stand.  My hope is that we can coalesce around centers of industry, and exist together as peacefully as people did back in the middle ages, when we had a feudal system  (but without the black plague).

To help you plan for the future, use this map. Figure out where you live now , and where you want to go in the next few years.  Here’s your guide to the new world.  Pack your bags, and move to….

trumplandia2


The Unified States of Cal-Pacifica  Coastal sections of California, Oregon, and Washington State unify to form a powerful economic hub that offers its citizens great climate, high tech, tofu sushi, and surfin’-a-plenty .  You’ll be happy almost anywhere in Cal-Pacifica, but you’ll need more than one wetsuit if you live in the northern counties.  Train for a job in technology, space travel or robotics, renewables, making plant protein taste like steak, and digitizing the universe.  You’ll be changing the world if you move here – or at least the part of the world that doesn’t include the UK and Trumplandia (not you, Scotland.  We know you wanted to stay.)

Disney’s Magic Underwater Kingdom  The whole world comes here to relax!  Red and Blue, Black and White….everyone’s welcome in the floating city of New Orlando.  Hurricane coming?  No worries – in our anchored underwater guest-pods, you’ll be having so much fun with your virtual reality goggles, you won’t even know you’re sheltering in place!  Tour the sunken cities of Miami Beach and Key West in our luxury submarine ride, or take some free scuba lessons and go with a trained dolphin guide.  There will always be a job waiting here for cheerful folks who are strong swimmers.

Boulder Sanctuary and Hemp Emporium  Formerly  the cities of Boulder and Denver, this newly formed mega-city offers stunning mountain views, careers in traditional industries such as mining and construction, or new industries such as, you know, hemp.  Hemp.  Nature’s miracle that helps with the altitude adjustment, and makes you forget you’re right in the middle of Trumpland.  Helicopter rides available to visit Mexico and Cal-Pacifica.

Citadel Chicago  There’s more than one island-citadel surrounded by a hostile wilderness, but Chicago is the biggest and the most diverse.  You’ll enjoy a variety of careers here:  community activism and refugee processing, as well as snow removal, ice fishing, and public relations top the list.  With lovely waterfront living downtown, fine steakhouses and great Mexican restaurants, Chicago is a vibrant transit hub and way station between Trumplandia and the rest of the world.  Our airport is now the world’s biggest and best in the former US!  New bullet trains make getting to other city-states a breeze!

Fort Austin  This is a fantastic choice for the refugee from Trumpland who already lives in the  southwest and doesn’t want too much of a trip for the holidays.  It’s also a great choice for anyone up north too:  make sure you bring a sense of adventure and a desire to experience the Trump Frontier up close and personal.  You’ll enjoy the music, the food, the warm winter weather, the mandatory lifesaving free air-conditioning during the summer, the friendly people, and the fact that the Fort Austin Commander-in-Chief  is a drag queen named Leslie (The Second).   Choose a career in music, the digital sector, security (both cyber and perimeter), or barbeque technology.  Note:  every citizen of Fort Austin will need to be part of the volunteer fire brigade during smoke season.

Mexico  After watching the Shit Show for a few years, Mexico voluntarily and enthusiastically complies with the request to build the wall.  When the Mexican economy surges after signing trade agreements directly with China, Canada, and Scotland, southern US counties that were historically part of Mexico  request to re-join the motherland.  The wall plans are hastily modified to allow Hollywood,  most of Nevada and southern parts of Arizona to be included.  The transition is peaceful, although skirmishes break out in New Mexico, as most of Trumpland believes they are already part of Mexico because “why else do they have Mexico in their name?”

The People’s Republic of Massachusetts  Former states of Vermont and Massachusetts join forces to manufacture world-caliber clam chowder, four thousand five hundred varieties of ice cream,  and Aging Hippy Crunchy Granola®.  Small, innovative artisan workshops create and export a wide variety of specialty products worldwide (actually, it’s mostly to Brooklyn).  Export goods include handmade soap, hand-brewed bitters, hand-spun-hand-dyed-and-hand-knitted yak scarves, and coffee substitutes since coffee trees went extinct in 2025.

The Neutral Zone  Formerly Connecticut, New Hampshire, Northern New Jersey, Rhode Island, and coastal Pennsylvania, the Neutral Zone offers a prosperous block of affordable communities that are almost  within commuting distance to urban centers in The People’s Republic and the Independent City-State of New York.  Public and private discussions about politics is prohibited both by law and natural inclination in the Neutral Zone.  A thriving service economy exists, primarily in insurance.

The Independent City-State of New York  The border expands beyond the original 4 boroughs (minus Staten Island) to include all areas served by commuter rail and ferries.  Jersey City, Westchester, parts of Long Island and Connecticut all opt to be included.  The Independent City-State of New York continues to have a thriving economy.  Citizens of New York belong to the whole world, and we welcome refugees from Trumpland with open arms.  In order to create a more palatable and equitable society of talented immigrants from every land, we’ve already started to remove his name from buildings.

6 comments

  1. I haven’t read this yet, but I will, soon, I hope.

    You might want to read, “Nine Nations of America”, by Joel Garreau, 1981.

    I’m hoping to read, “American Nations: A History of the Eleven Rival Regional Cultures of North America”, by Colin Woodard, 2011 pretty soon.

    Maybe it’s what you wrote about.

    Best,

    • The Woodard book is pretty good, by the way. I’m a quarter of the way into it and it’s already undermined my long-held false impression that the Yoosa is a melting-pot. It makes me feel just a tiny bit better about the people who colonized my neck of the woods… but not… because they’re STILL doing it!

      http://i.imgur.com/s2JAaMI.jpg

        • I hadn’t considered fluidity, but that’s true too.

          Woodard mentions that his divisions of these “nations” is well and long supported by sources I wouldn’t normally be aware of, or pay much attention to

          – linguists’ maps of dialects
          – cultural anthropologists’ maps of material culture regions
          – cultural geographers’ maps of religious regions
          – campaign strategists’ maps of political geography
          – historians’ maps of the patterns of settlement

          We just *think* we’re living in homogeneous countries. I’ve spent my entire life wondering how come the federation I live under wasn’t as cohesive as yours – it turns out that that’s the state of affairs in North America.

          I bet the same holds true in European places where the borders are more tribal.

          Here’s the map from Joel Garreau’s treatment of the same idea in ’81. Unlike Woodard, Garreau formulated his thoughts through anecdotal exchange with his peers at the Washington Post as they all moved through the continent doing their work on the news stories of the time:

          http://i.imgur.com/5oC5YL6.jpg

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *