Recently, I sat down with myself to talk about Donald Trump. I’m glad I did, because it was the hugest, biggest, bestest, and best rated interview I’ve ever done with myself. Easiest, too.
Me: Love him.
I: Really? You love him?
Me: Absolutely. Give me a bowl of popcorn and I could watch him all day.
I: But the stuff he says!
Me: He’s almost as good as your Mom, and you know the zingers SHE comes up with!
I: Yes, but she was born in 1929.
Me: I think Trump was too, though.
I: Back to politics – do you think the fact he called women “fat pigs, disgusting animals” and “dogs” with “blood coming out of their whereevers” will hurt him with the female vote?
I: You know, your clever friend George called him a “warthog with an orange hairball on his head”.
Me: Yes. Very apt, although George did follow up by apologizing to the warthog community.
I: I hear they’re up in arms.
Me: The warthogs? Do they have arms?
I: Back to politics. What are Trump’s chances of winning the Republican nomination?
Me: (quickly and softly under breath, fingers crossed): oh pleeze pleeze pleeze pleeze pleeze
I: I mean, they’d have to be suicidal to nominate him.
Me: True, but who else do they really have? Scott Walker?
I: You know who I feel the sorriest for?
Me: Yeah. Chris Christie.
I: That’s right! Before Trump, HE was the one who could say outrageous stuff. But now, he looks so tame next to The Donald, or El Donaldo Pendejasso (which is what I assume they call him in Mexico).
Me: Yes. So very, very tame.
I: So what do you think Trump’s next move will be?
Me: Who knows? That’s the fun part. Will he open up the Big Book of Racial Slurs again? Will he keep talking about women? I’m sure he’s got a LOT more to say on that subject. Will he once again confuse the unbelievably complicated responsibilities and obligations of the President of the United States of America interacting on a global stage with getting good ratings on a cheap cable reality show? Will he show his vulnerable side and open up about how he dies a little bit inside when he hears phrases like “a warthog with an orange hairball”?
Me: And, don’t forget, there are whole swaths of the world that he hasn’t disparaged yet. Think what he could say once he learns they exist!
I: But what if he really DOES become president?
Me: Then I predict it will be Canada that will have to build a wall on its southern border.