Today is Thanksgiving, and I have much to be thankful for: friends, family, my superior intellect and God-given attitude of humility. I have marketable skills, a lovely apartment filled with serviceable furniture and working gadgetry, and I live in my favorite city in the
world. I consume chocolate on an almost daily basis. But there’s more to life than brilliant talent and adequate creature comforts. There’s the larger world in which we live. And, just in case I ever get arrested in China, I want to hedge my bets. I want to make sure that I’ve thanked Donald Trump adequately beforehand. Today, Donald, I am giving all my thanks to you.
Let me count the ways.
Blessing #1: I’m not bored
Donald, we all know you’ve weakened our great nation in ways that will make it difficult to recover. Our standing on the world stage has been eroded, and the rule of law is being tested like we’ve never seen. Where will it all end? Who knows? The important thing is that
I’m not bored. Terrified, perhaps, but not bored and not complacent. It took the reality show of President Trump to make me wake up to things like political corruption, Black Lives Matter, and the persecution of immigrants. Donald, you didn’t invent bounty hunting quotas — that started under Obama. You didn’t invent the siege mentality of some police departments – that one goes back centuries. You didn’t invent sexual assault. But when you started praising these things as desirable aspects of our country, it woke the rest of us up.
Blessing #2: Your family
Thank you for having such a collection of dumb-asses as relatives, and for putting them front and center on the national stage. This has made the job of Russian spies a delight, of course, and it will make the job of the special prosecutor a delight as well.
Blessing #3 Your grope-y, grope-y hands and tongue.
Yes, the very thought will make millions of women retch up their cranberry sauce (if millions of women read this blog). Hear me out. The knowledge that a groping assaulter is sitting in the oval office, warming Lincoln’s desk chair with his nasty butt cheeks has finally
broken the floodgates. Darlings of the Left are no longer given a free pass to glad-hand the goodies. “You can’t PROVE he groped the girls, and look at his great voting record!” No more. We’re done. Rape culture stops here, and you, my lovely little orange blossom, turned out to be the last straw.
Blessing #4 Outing The Team mentality
There are two ways of living. On one side, we have Go Team! If you’re on this end of the spectrum, you support the team, no matter what. If the other side deflates the football, you scream to lock ‘em up! If it’s your quarterback? Well, maybe it wasn’t so bad, or it didn’t really happen. Your response depends entirely on which team did it.
The flip side is Rule of Law. If it’s against the law to deflate the ball, it doesn’t matter which team did it. When we’re talking about football, it doesn’t make much difference. But when you apply team sports mentality to a government, you have Zimbabwe. You have North Korea. You have Pablo Escobar in charge. It’s the difference between ruling and governing: Kings rule. Presidents govern. Guess which one you are, Donald?
Blessing #5 Stress-testing the constitution
We have three branches of government for a reason. The fact that two of them are dysfunctional is, I grant you, a bit of a worry. Our constitution, however, has some pretty iron-clad ideas of a republic, and one of them is the separation of church and state. Another is the separation of the engine of justice from the political interests of those who govern.
Prior presidents understood this, but Donald – look into my eyes – you don’t. It isn’t your fault! You’re an egotistical cretin lacking a basic human soul, and we don’t expect you to respect boundaries. You never have before! That’s what made you a smart businessman! But now, you’ll be testing our constitution in ways you never knew existed. I believe it will withstand the test. You, on the other hand….
Blessing #6 being obsessed with hillary
Donnie. Please. I’ve moved on. Maybe she hasn’t, but tweets about Hillary are so last year! We didn’t see Rutherford B. Hayes tweeting about Samual J. Tilden for 18 more months, did we? Granted, Twitter hadn’t yet been invented, but what I’m trying to say is – thank you for
your short attention span, your endless feuds, and your efforts to relive your glory days of 2016. Your fans have a short attention span, too, and I’m guessing the whole Hillary meme will quickly devalue. So keep it up!
Blessing #7 Not dying yet
Many of my fellow patriots pray nightly that you will soon keel over like Homer Simpson having a heart attack. Not me. Revenge is a dish best served cold, and I am looking forward
with anticipation to your final humiliation. You’ll need to be alive for that! I truly wish you a long, long life and the ability to absorb and understand how your fellow citizens will talk about your place in history. Plus, do we really want Mike Pence at the helm? HELL no.