Oh Lordy, it’s still Saturnalia season, isn’t it? Not that I’m jaded or anything. Still, isn’t it over yet? My favorite day of the year is January 2nd because it’s smooth sailing until Memorial Day. I like Christmas more than the hub, Al, likes it – that’s because he hates it. I don’t hate it – I like the parties, the eggnog, the carols — well, the medieval and Victorian ones in a minor key are nice though I’d be just as glad never to hear “walkin’ in a winter wonderland” ever again.
Gifts are still a quandary, though. If my carefully slapped together suggestion list last week didn’t give you any great ideas, try these on for size. Something for everyone!
Disgraced Male PowerMonger Garden Kit
This lovely garden kit will enable the disgraced former anchorman, politician, actor, opera conductor, or Hollywood producer to put the past behind him and face his somewhat diminished future with peace and calm. He can meditate on lost power and glory as he trims the hedges and plants the bulbs. Secure in the knowledge that the rose bushes won’t file suit as he fondles their delicate buds, he will be able to muse silently on comforting thoughts such as “the attraction was mutual!” or “a lot of it just wasn’t true!” or “everyone was doing it!” or “I couldn’t have been the ONLY one with a Mr. Burns-style button under my desk to lock women into my office.”
Optional book title “50 ways to say you’re sorry but other guys were worse” is also available. “They’re all LYING” garden hat included.
NYC Lifer Reality Check
I bet you know a New York City Lifer – that’s someone like me, who is going to live here in
NYC until they keel over from laughing too hard at Pizza Rat. Every now and then, though, a Lifer gets a bee in his bonnet and swears it’s time to leave the Big Dirty City. That’s where this thoughtful gift comes in. The Lifer Reality Check box contains a ski mask to simulate the utter darkness to be found at night in the country, detailed instructions on getting a driver’s license plus 350-pages of insurance forms in case your bumper every gently touches
someone else’s bumper, a huge catalog filled with expensive and specialized equipment you’ll need to buy so you can patch your roof, unstop your plumbing, or rewire your kitchen.
Also included is a lifetime commuter pass on the “Reading” railroad (motto: ”hope you’re reading, cuz we’re not moving”), and a handy rubber mallet. Instructions: when recipient starts to mutter about “moving somewhere peaceful” even AFTER reviewing your thoughtful gift, he or she can then apply mallet smartly to each temple until the feeling dissipates.
Home Health Care Kit
You know you’re the type who sits on their ass 12 hours a day, palm up, waiting for the federal government to grease it with all that taxpayer cashola. No more! If you’ve got a lay-about movie-watching slacker on your list (grandparent, parent, dependent child, you) who won’t be getting first-world healthcare any longer, here’s the must-have gift for 2018.
This DIY healthcare kit includes first aid for minor cuts and burns, “E-Z layz-R” for removing mysterious growths safely (well, fairly safely), and a defanged rattler so you can handle a snake with confidence while petitioning the Lord to remove your afflictions.
Liberal Bubble Weighing Scale
You’ll find a delightful assortment of rage-inducing issues in this thoughtful arrangement, plus a Liberal Scale that gives equal weight to them all. Net neutrality and rising sea levels are guaranteed to produce the same amount of angst, even though one will cause your blog to load 3 seconds slower and the other will drive your family from their home with nothing more than the clothes on their back. Groping lunatics in the highest office of the land are given equal weight with the screech of tires on cars that aren’t obeying local speed regulations. Hours of fun!
Climate Change Denial Gear
From the T-shirt with slogan “It’s a hoax invented by the Chinese to make America weak” (in English) or “It’s a hoax invented by the Americans to keep China from achieving
prosperity” (in new-style Mandarin characters) to the digital thermometer that won’t go above 92 degrees (or past the year 1955), you’ll learn how to skew results, lie with statistics, and ignore the obvious. Put on the blinders, and use your own cherry picker to pluck out the data you like, then plunge your head into a refreshing bucket of sand when hurricanes decimate coastal cities (sand not included, but the hurricanes will be providing plenty).
Since the coffee bean is a delicate, touchy sort of plant that is picky about things like temperature and altitude, it’s not going to fare well in the coming decades. Who needs it? Not you – you’ve got this minute’s must-have accessory: a chicory plantation. Just roast up a
batch of barley, add your home-grown chicory and stir into a cup of hot water (for residents of Flint, we suggest substituting battery acid, as it has less lead). Bottom’s up! I’ve heard you get used to it after a while.