Beauty Tips for the Average Jane

The Smithsonian Channel has created a great series about The Real Mad Men of Advertising.  It starts with the 50s.  By the time we get to the 80s, it seems the trend was sex.  Well, more sex.  To be specific, it was to sexualize everything.  As the narrator mentions, “this created an unrealistic expectation for the Average Joe and Jane.”  Not sure about Joe, but this is true for all us Janes.

We women have done a fantastic job of internalizing this message.  In case some of you females out there haven’t yet finished the job, let me help by reminding you that your appearance is the most important thing about you.  You only get one chance to make a first impression.  Your looks will dictate how well you live, so let’s make sure it’s Job One.  If you’ve been flirting with the idea of using your brain to learn a new language, understand societal trends, influence public policy, or start on training for a lucrative career, let me stop you right there.  Of course you can do all those things too, but they’ll have to be sitting in the back seat while “how do I look?” drives the bus.  It’s a simple matter of changing your daily habits, your focus in life, and the very purpose of your existence.  Once you do that, the rest is easy!

First, your habits.

Become obsessed with your weight.  I know, most of you out there have already conquered this major stumbling block to doing away with self esteem.  You’re too fat!  Become obsessed with the number on the scale in front of you.  Then, weigh and measure everything you eat.  Talk about it with everyone who will listen (other women).  Start adding in self-imposed dietary restrictions such as no gluten, or eat only one thing on Monday  .  Make sure you feel guilty about your body mass index, and apologize a lot about it.  Calling someone “fat” is the worst insult there is, so do it to yourself mentally several times a day.  If you ever dare to say something out loud like “being fat isn’t the end of the world, is it?”  be prepared for a major backlash.  Better just talk about what you ate today, what you are going to eat, what you should not have eaten, and how much you’ve gained or how little you’ve lost.

Now that you’re obsessed with your weight, you’ll need to become aware of that you don’t have enough clothes.  Buy more.  Did you buy the right ones?  Of course not!  You’ll need to buy more.  Don’t forget shoes – try to build up a big collection of these.  Talk about them often.

Next, a  list of things to keep in mind at all time.  It’s hard to do this simultaneously, but do try to alternate between them every 3 to 5 minutes.  They can also serve as great conversation starters with other women.  I’ll keep it short for now, but be sure to mentally add items to your own list.

  • Skin not smooth enough
  • Skin too oily or too dry
  • Face has breakouts
  • Face has wrinkles, crinkles, and lines
  • Hands too dry
  • Hair removal not done often enough
  • Your legs must end in shapely ankles or you’re finished.
  • Turkey neck? That’s a problem.
  • Rough elbows are unattractive.
  • Rough knees – ditto.
  • Subcutaneous fat on your waist
  • Subcutaneous fat on your upper arms
  • Subcutaneous fat on your lower arms
  • Subcutaneous fat on your thighs
  • Subcutaneous fat on your chin
  • Subcutaneous fat on your back.
  • Tits are too big
  • Tits are too small
  • Tits too flat
  • Tits not the right shape
  • Butt is too big
  • Butt is too small
  • Butt is too flat
  • Butt is not flat enough
  • Butt not the right shape
  • Hair is dull
  • Hair is not the right color
  • Hair is too long
  • Hair is too short
  • Hair is not shiny enough
  • Hair is not in the right arrangement for the occassion
  • Fingernails not the right length
  • Cuticles not the right shape
  • Fingernails not the right color
  • Same for your toenails
  • Feet are rough and unattractive.
  • Your chin is sagging
  • Your teeth are not white enough.
  • Your teeth aren’t straight enough.
  • You don’t smile enough
  • Your ears stick out
  • Your posture is too slouchy
  • Your posture is too straight
  • You aren’t holding the right bag
  • Arms are too soft
  • Arms are too hard
  • Legs are too soft
  • Legs are too hard
  • Butt is too soft
  • Butt is too hard
  • Back of your neck is not attractive
  • Stomach isn’t flat enough
  • Skin doesn’t glow enough
  • You don’t have enough make up
  • You don’t have the right kind of makeup
  • You don’t know how to use makeup the best way
  • Your elbows are red / ashy / some other unattractive color
  • Your dress size is not the right number
  • Your nose is too big / too small / not the right shape
  • Your lips are too big / too thin / not the right shape
  • Your underwear isn’t sexy enough
  • Your bra isn’t the right shape
  • Your skintone is too dark, too pale, too red, too blotchy, or some other undesirable attribute
  • Don’t forget that you’re too fat!

That’s all for now!  Next week, a modest proposal for women everywhere.

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