It’s hard to be female. There are so many things you have to worry about, having to do with your appearance. Last week, I gave some easy-to-remember beauty tips, and reminded all my readers that how you look is Job One. Everything else is a distant second. But is this fair? I think not. We poor females are always comparing ourselves in the flesh with enhanced digital images. It’s time to level the playing field for all of us. My modest proposal, if implemented here in the U.S.A., would bring peace of mind to all American women and show the rest of the world how to do it.
We’ve enjoyed an informal rating system for female looks for many years, but it’s been unfair and inconsistent. We’ve had episodes when the rating has been done by people who were drunk, stung by a recent rejection, or running for public office. The rating system is not used in the same way for all women, and some never get rated at all. The metrics used may seem obvious, but they differ from state to state. Oh, I know – every now and then a powerful man gets in front of a camera and talks about it, but this is sporadic at best and not available to all women equally.
It’s time for equal rights for all women. My proposal? Let’s make the “Hot or Not” rating system the law of the land. Each year, women should be allowed to go before a review board made up of nine men (preferably well-seasoned and over the age of 50). Like Olympic judges, these men will rate each woman on a scale of one to ten, in basis points (“bips”) of a tenth of a point.
To make sure the results are public, each woman can display her number in a discrete way to avoid controversy. I suggest she be allowed to wear it either integrated into her accessories in some way (say, in colorful ink on her shoes or handbag), or carved discretely on her forehead. Obviously, every woman over the age of 21 would need to be reviewed annually, for who can predict the future? A Ten might slip down a few basis points if she gains weight, neglects her hair, or becomes ill. A Four might, with the help of dieting and plastic surgery, move up in the ranks.
Think what a boon this will be for society as a whole! No more disputes among (straight) men about a woman’s worth. The experts have spoken. Men seeking new girlfriends, wives or mistresses can make sure they only review the appropriate ratings for their income level. Women would no longer need to make catty remarks among themselves: a fair rating system applies equally to all. Every girl would be able to put a simple number on her aspirations, and would be able to understand immediately what lies within her grasp.
What about the unfair advantage models already have? How can a “girl next door” (3.7 to 5.9) hope to compete with the likes of Selena Gomez? She can’t, and she shouldn’t try: but let’s not throw the baby out with the bathwater! Every beauty contest includes talent and public speaking as a sort of side dish to the main meal. There’s a reason for this: looks are the most important factor, but they aren’t the only one! A woman who is a great cook, a charming conversationalist, or able to perform complex mental acrobatics is clearly more appetizing than a 10 who’s also a bitch (doesn’t laugh at your jokes). If the rating on your forehead is 5-point-4, you can be secure in the knowledge that the men in your life are adding in a few “bips” because of your great sense of humor and killer paella. “Yeah, Taylor is a Seven, but Addison is such a hoot! And Taylor doesn’t smile 24 hours a day or end every spoken sentence with a question mark.” Men will still have individual tastes, and women will have a lot of latitude in catering to these.
The liberal elites on college campuses may whine and protest about this, but for girl-children, real benefits will accrue. Education will be optional for every girl who shows a promise of being greater than an 8.4, and she can be groomed accordingly. Sports scholarships will always be available for those under a four, and the fast food industry will be happy to take twos and lower.
But what of those unfortunate women with a low ranking and no ability at sports? Are they merely disposable? On the contrary. Today, what can a woman do who is physically unappealing to the men in power? Not much. They mock her behind closed doors, or ignore her completely. After they see the impartial rating applied by our Panel of Judges, though, relief bills can be voted on in Congress. As long as every woman ranking below a 3 shows evidence that she’s on a diet and getting manicures, she would be eligible for federal assistance and public pity rather than ridicule. For those who don’t enjoy diets and nail salons, there’s always the possibility of limited success in business: there are plenty of situations in which a Two will be listened to more carefully than an Eight, because the men making the decisions won’t be distracted by thinking about sex. Women with lower ratings may also wish to convert to lesbians for a higher quality of life.
1. Women no longer need to compete with each other. It’s not a beauty contest any more, it’s an objective rating system. Each woman can focus on self improvement, and stop comparing herself to other women. That’s the men’s job!
2. Casting for movies and television will be a piece of cake.
3. The clothing and beauty industries can target their customers more accurately, and can find new niches. The pressure will be off of the Fours and Fives to dress like they are Nines or Tens.
4. Dating apps will take advantage of simple algorithms to match a woman’s looks with a man’s income or car.
5. The average housewife can work full-time on moving up a few bps to make her husband proud.
6. Girls just starting out in the workforce will find the structure gives them a ladder to climb until their head hits the glass ceiling.
7. Young hotheads won’t have to push their girlfriends into careers as models, because no one will believe them if she’s got “6.2” on her forehead.
8. Reality TV will have a field day with offerings like “Make Me an Eight” and “Nine-Fight-Pit!”
9. News anchors can be hired accordingly, with those in the 6 to 7 range being funneled into local news and weather.
10. There is no 10 (well, maybe Selena Gomez).
In conclusion, I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the public good of my country. I have been married to the same man for decades, work in an industry that allows me to phone most of my colleagues rather than meet in person, and I haven’t been on a diet since 1975.